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i'll be your distraction

Ive always been the one who plans things, who cleans up messes that aren't mine...the one who worries.  But seriously? I need to stop. I am getting oddly attached to people who I want to help, people whose problems I want to fix more than anything else in the world.  I cant take care of everyone, I will just end up getting hurt myself if I continue to try.  It doesn't change the fact that I want to make people happy,  I want to fix their problems or at least distract them so they remember to smile every now and then.

"I want to hear you laugh like you really mean it,
collapse into me tire with joy."- Snow Patrol


the alternative to a hang over

so i don't get hung over....i just wake up really early as soon as the alcohol wears off and am a little manic with energy.

last night i wasn't a happy drunk...i was a sad drunk. ive never been a sad drunk before, i dont like it at all. you know its a lie when they tell you that alcohol makes you forget your problems because it doesnt. alcohol just magnifies your problems right in front of your eyes and then makes you less capable of dealing with them.  at least ive been told i was entertaining last night because i can never tell if i am entertaining or annoying... thankfully today i dont have to deal with my problems or the ramifications of last night (namely having to explain to a few people why i was freaking out, and apologizing to my RA who was worried about me and my issues). today i get to go to see Sunny who understands, and Ryan who will give me a big hug and make the sad things seem far away, and Jaxi who will remind me God is here.

i need to not do that again anytime soon.

maybe i can go to prayer room if i go home early enough...probably shouldnt, that might be a tad sacreligious

two years

The last time i was this happy was the very beginning of junior year. Oh how much has changed since i was 16, seems lifetimes ago.

Yesterday's wonderfulness in chronological order:
-slept in
- had breakfast with Mama
-Tiajuana meeting (im exciting for the trip...meeting itself ehh)
-nap time<3
-talked to Ryan Scott Fuller for the first time in months
-grocery shopping with Kunal, Mithun and Kara...being pushed in the cart, trying to find good wine, spending too much money
-washing dishes while Kara and Kunal cook
-Grey's, hah
-Eating the food that Kunal and Kara made
-champagne and mohitos(sp?)!
-dancing in the rain, God is in the rain

liar liar pants on fire

 -a brief break from essay writing to clear my head-

   A number of people of people over the years have called me a good liar...or rather called me out on being a good liar. Most notably my AP US teacher after the infamous Jacquie/rave incident (if you are reading this and don't know the story, ask me its quite humorous).  Her bile however was more focused along the lines of how i use my innocent appearance to manipulate my elders. Another more applicable appraisal of my talent came from Gian Carlo, he told me that I played a good part when we acted together in the Spiritual Emphasis Week drama series.  Gian Carlo and I have always enjoyed riling our classes up by playing devil's advocates.  He of all people knows I can act a part.  So here I am at college playing devil's advocate once more, but this time there is no comedic relief, only a letter grade.
    I am writing a paper comparing news paper articles of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki to the terrorist attacks on September 11th.  In essence saying America was wrong to drop the second bomb and that to do so was as unforgivable as Osama bringing down the towers.  This point is ludicrous, I have no idea why I chose to write one it at the time.  That being said however my paper is shaping up very well, my professor was pleased with the power of my voice through the piece.  I am a convincing writer.  Seems to me that being a convincing writer is much the same as being a convincing actress, or a convincing alibi for a friend who wants to sneak out.
    For now I am going to keep utilizing my talent, especially as long as it affords me good grades.  Mind you I haven't lied to a superior in a long time, those days are over.  Exaggerated stances on historical topics seem much less reprehensible than my previous escapades, but I digress.  Hopefully this won't come back to bite me in the ass.

- now to finish that A paper -

a little's enough

by angels & airwaves
When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

    Sometimes I forget what i stand for. I forget what it means to be saved. I forget that the reason I don't do drugs or sleep around isn't because I'm legalistic, but because I want to avoid addiction and idol worship.  I forget a lot of things. God loves me despite the alcohol, despite the swearing, despite all of it.  I need to tone it down not because God is angry with me, but because I'm losing focus.  I'm the happiest I have ever been, but I keep forgetting who I really am in God.


i miss you

At college I don't miss you until I see you, until I hear your voice on the phone, until I experience your laughter, until I hug you hello.  As the saying goes "out of sight, out of mind!"

Sunny - I miss how we have to approve everything for each other
Amy - I miss showing up at your house unannounced
Britt - I miss singing along to songs
Jacquie - I miss your faith
Tammy - I miss planning things around "lunch time"
Ian - I miss you opening doors for me, treating me like a lady
Ben - I miss how you smell like Black and Milds
Steven - I miss you looking at me across rooms
Ryan - I miss your hugs

I want to miss you always, because the alternative is even more lonely.  I promise to miss you.  I promise to stay with you if you let me.

Sunny - I will tell you everything first
Amy - we will have an apartment eventually
Britt - I will write as often as I can
Jacquie - I think of you whenever i pray, please come back for summer break because you keep me strong
Tammy - one day we will have a sleepover!
Ian- we will ice skate at the embarcadero, and smoke hookah when you turn 18
Ben - we will go to a shooting range someday
Steven -  I will keep using our hand signals, and think of you whenever I do
Ryan -  Christmas break = sex and donuts

survival techniques

My first six days at college:

A fortune cookie once told me to make friends before i need them, everyone around here seems to have that same idea. The norms are quite different from at home. Normally people don' t start dating after having known each other for less than a week, normally we all don't walk up to strangers and say "hey i'm so and so whats your major?"  normally i am much more shy.  My roommate and i discussed this of phenomenon instantaneous relationships last night. It seems a sort of survival technique, and when it comes to survival rules just don't apply.

I have a propensity to see the faces of close friends in strangers. There is a guy down the hall who looks like Ian, they guy who fixed my computer had Steven's eyes, my roommate Teresa loves all the old movies Jaxi does. Now this is a problem, for i have developed quite a case of friendsickness if not any homesickness at all. Maybe that explains why i have resorted to survival mode. Hanging out with people people i barely know until the early hours of the morning kills time and keeps me distracted, giving the allusion that this is normal, that i have known all these people much longer than 6 days.  Strangers have become my lifeline.

last night

some observations about my life on this my last night at home before moving to my dorm in sfo:

1. I need to go on a diet....don't argue with me i am SO out of shape

2. my boobs keep growing, at first i was amused but its getting old...damn birth control

3. my mom gives me alcohol as a stress relief, i'm not sure if thats a good thing or not

4. i am facing a very long commute to work, i think i am inheriting Chris and Linda's lifestyles...also potentially a bad thing

5. it would be easier for a few of my guy friends to stop talking to me than it would be for them to keep in touch

6. out of my whole family, my cat will miss me the most

7. i really really miss performing and training with a team, and i think the lack of practice has made me lazier


college resolutions

Sometimes these come in handy, so here are my resolutions for my freshman year:

1. 3.5 gpa ( at least )

2. NO dating what so ever

3. church/small group EVERY week unless physically incapable

4. lose 10 pounds...aka avoid freshman 15

5. observe (but not participate in) "beer pong"

6. save enough money to finance a summer vacation


graduation day

    High school is officially over and i will miss quite a few people, many of whom will be too busy to keep in touch.  Keeping in touch is only inevitable if people remain close in proximity, or if they need each other.  Otherwise it all depends on how much you are willing to work for the relationship or if you have time to work for it at all.  In any case it seems to me i care more for the type of people who do not keep in touch...oh well, nothing can be done about that now.